Where have I been…?

If a blog post could mock and challenge me, it’s happening. Blog #4 is wagging it’s boney finger at me, whispering haunting words of reprisal in my partially deafened soul.

~ What are you going to do Shea? Are you going to be happy in spite of life’s….unpleasantries, delusionments and unexpectancies? The words my own fingers penned now run over my soul like warm oil, soaking my thoughts amiss in newness. I reread my words for the first time in over three months, and they taunt me…

You know what? I have honestly found that the happiest people are the ones with the sad, potentially life-threatening problems. The ones who are loosing everything. The people humans tend to walk by and ignore. The one’s who don’t have the guarantee of living another physically productive day in their lives. The one’s with no promise of living to see their first grandchildren born. The ones who could never walk with ease. The ones who took the challenge of finding out their true potential as a human regardless of the ridicule associated with it. The ones who had the guts to pursue their dreams. The ones who never gave up…When you have a wheelchair, you’re grateful for the one who pushes it. When you’re crippled, you are thankful for the cane that supports you. When you’re hurting, your grateful for the arms that hold you. When you give birth, your grateful the the child that comes at the end of your pain. When you’re in love, your grateful for the chance to share the totality of yourself without judgement. When you choose happiness, you choose something that will create the beauty of the inner person that lies within you. It really is up to you whether or not you’ll be grateful or miserable…

Melancholy and heavy is my heart. And all because I am not the same person who started this blog. She who is now re-humbled is the author of said article. I will begin with the question I first started with: where have I been…? Two months and a few days ago, I found myself in the ER in a bad state of affairs. I was told that I had a rare, life-threatening hormonal disease, albeit live-able. Life was to go on. My new normal now requires me to take daily medications and wear medical ID bracelets for the rest of my life. Without the meds, I would leave this earth rather quickly.

Am I telling you this for attention. Nope. Quite frankly it’s really none of your business. I do realize though that I am the totality of what I wrote.  Even more so than before. Sixteen years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. And now, Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency Syndrome.

After shedding a few tears and processing loads of information for a few weeks, I just had to laugh. ~ What more could they diagnose me with? Seriously?  I knew the answer to that question and quickly stifled out a hoard of sarcastic thoughts in my overrun brain.  I had to medially withdraw from college six weeks before graduation. I’ve lost some personal relationships and my not-so-bad average job because of what they now viewed as a “medical liability”. If I hadn’t looked at myself as disabled, I’ve suddenly become very aware of what others think. I’ll be honest. It’s floored me.

Picking myself up again is a lot more challenging than I imagined. But my own words have found their way back to me as a gentle reminder that happiness is truly within my grasp if only I’ll reach for it.

Thank you my soul for reminding me that it’s not over;  rather, it’s just the beginning…images

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